Twitter Twins

I am creeper out that I have found a person on here who is using my profile picture, my background, my bio and the same name with no extra_ at the end of the name.  What the hell?  I don't know what to do about it.   If I draw attention to it then what will they do?  Will they report me for spam and get my account removed?  It seems so rare and random that someone would come after my account of the millions out there.  There are chills rolling down my spine.

Beginners Block

I am supposed to be starting to write now, but I haven't really wrote a complete story since I wrote school essays.  I have been working on one I started a year ago, at least, but I have mostly just points jotted down.   Maybe I should be trying to throw that in there, or working in writing a short story.   The other day i was thinking of themes and topics to write about.  I wouldn't say I have writers block, because that implies that I've already started something, which I haven't.   I don't even know which direction to go.   Drama?  Comedy?   Kids story?   Horror?   So many choices.
Tomorrow when I go to the library to catch up on the shows I can't watch here I'll be checking out what online resources are available to me, or if there are more courses to look at.

Toronto Floods

Yesterday was the flooding of the century in Toronto.   They got an unbelievable amount of rain. (The picture included was tweeted by a global TV newscaster of the flood on a go train, where people had to be rescued by boat.  My brother was just on that same train on Sunday.)   Nothing much happened here.   Some light rain and a brief thunderstorm.   I wonder what would happen here if the basement flooded.  Would he get to move to the top floor?  Would he move in here, or with a friend?  I hope I never have to find out.
The landlord was here yesterday.   He had to get the garbage out because it was a big pickup.   Finally that couch out from is gone, the one the old neighbours left.   He was also cleaning up after her three cats, they were all males and have sprayed everywhere.  He's getting it ready to start showing the apartment.  I told him about the chewing I heard earlier that day, I hope he gets someone in here to exterminate.  My fingers are crossed that no one moves in before August 1st.
Tomorrow I am hopeful that I will finally be able to get my new laptop battery.   It's going to cost me $90 with tax.   I have waited a long time to get this because I have had to wait for my gst cheque to come in.   Couldn't otherwise afford it.

A Loss For Words

I haven't wrote anything for a few days because I am just too depressed to.   I haven't spoken a word in days at home, and nobody has noticed.  Yes I am that loved.

Canada Day Backkash

Well my hypocritical brother is mad at me because I wasn't around yesterday.   I may have responded back if I had any cell service where I was, maybe not.   He does this twice a week and for the entire weekend to me, so it shouldn't really be a big deal (I am almost 30).   It's only in the last month that he's actually been telling me where he goes.   For months he took off and I had no idea where he would go.   I lived with not knowing and with his constant threats of moving.   That is still with me.   At least this time he actually noticed I was gone.  Truth is I could fall and be injured or dead and he wouldn't find me for days.
Even on Sunday it was the pride parade, which had a threat made against it, he didn't call or text to say he was fine and nothing bad happened.  Would that have been so bad or taken up time?   Most weekends he ignores my texts entirely.  It's always me that has to send the first text, he never does.   I am left out of everything.   I don't feel like a part of his life anymore.
Because he goes out to the club on Saturday night he needs to stay over there Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night, coming back late night on Monday.   Every weekend I sit alone for hours.   I eat alone.   I watch TV alone.   I sit outside alone.   Alone, alone, alone.   Story of my new pathetic life.   That was the point he made this morning.   He's got friends, he has a life, therefore it's okay for him to pull a disappearing weekly act, but me.   I'm boring and have no friends.   I have no right to go away. I'm not sorry.   I had a good time yesterday.   I had some good food, and enjoyed the company, and most of all they wanted me there.   I felt included in something, a part of something.   I'll bet he wasn't even back until 3, spent a few hours with the friend he'd already spent 3 days with already, came home, realised I wasn't here so he went back to the friends house and watched the fireworks with him.   So he got to do what he would have wanted to all along.   He shouldn't hold it against me.   I didn't make him spend another holiday with me that he didn't really want to.
I've never met any of his boyfriends.   He won't even tell me where he met his best friend of almost 2 years, asking is apparently 'interrogating' him.   So I don't feel like sharing where I went.

Canada Looks Good For 146

Canada Celebrates a 146th birthday tomorrow. I thought I'd take a minute to talk about what this beautiful country of Canada means to me.
Canada is not the only country that calls themselves a free country, but with what I know it for sure beats the 'land of the brave and the home of the free'.   If I lived in America I would truly not feel as free to do what I want and believe what I do.
Canadians are known for having a great sense of humour.   How could we stand being America's neighbour if we couldn't laugh at ourselves?   It's a trait they could really use.
There are many well known Canadian symbols including the maple leaf, the moose, beaver, hockey, colourful money and of course our beloved Tim Hortons.   Everyone is as diverse as the donut or pastry of their choice.   We accept all others whether they were born here or not.  I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world.  It's home.
I'm going to celebrate Canada properly tomorrow by getting an ice cap from Tim hortons and topping it off with a summer barbecue.

He's Back

My landlord has finally come around to do some work on the house.  The bees nest that was in my window fell yesterday, so that was mostly taken care of.   There was still that extra bit hanging on and I didn't want them coming back to rebuild like they did from last year to this one.  Second was the window screens.   He said the screen material he had wouldn't work with the frame.  So he moved the screen from one of my front windows, ironically where the next had been and put it at the front.  So the living room will get some cool air.   The grass is getting cut too, well more like whipper snipped.  We had a push mower and he took that with him, we also had shovels and rakes, all gone to his house.  He looks at himself like a Mr fix it all.  He won't hire someone unless it's absolutely needed and he can't do it himself.  He replaced the living room light without turning off the power, just had the light switch off.   I called him a dare devil although I'm not sure he understood, there's definitely a language barrier.  I dint like be alone with him at first because I had so much trouble understanding him, but after living here for three years I'm getting pretty used to it.

Pride Week

My brother is currently attending his first pride parade this weekend.  From the time he came out to me I said I wanted to go with him, supporting him, buy alas I was not invited.   I feel a bit hurt, but mostly left out.  We are family and yet I don't feel that there's any part of his life that I fit into anymore.   Since thanksgiving last year he's only spent one holiday with me, Christmas.   It hurts more than anything to be abandoned by family on any holiday.   I will be spending more holidays with mom, and creating a new family for myself.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I hope I can fit in.
Toronto pride just seems like so much fun, no one could possibly have a bad time.  Best of all, nobody gives a fuck what you wear or how you look.   It's about love and tolerance and accepting all people.  It's a community and everyone comes together.   This year however there was a threat made to the first gay female premiere who will be attending the parade and all other attendees.   I don't remember that ever happening before in Toronto.   Maybe it has though, and it just gets discovered and handled efficiency by the police and they don't want to scare the public.   This year though city TV, and other yet unnamed media sourced received a letter threatening action.   I've told my brother to be careful.   I don't want something like what happened in Boston this year happening here.   We're Canadians and we're better than that.   I hope he takes lots of pictures.   Years ago I used to watch on TV, but I guess over the years it has gotten to raunchy to air live.   There are very very skimpy costumes and lots of toplessness.   Imagine celebrating a birthday at pride.  Would anything be more memorable?  Could anything ever live up to that?

Am I Blue or Gold

There's a part to this course I'm taking called career personalities, it's a colour test.  There's blues, golds, oranges and greens.  I'd love to give this test to a few people I know.   Blue is emotional and creative, Gold is organised and routine, Orange is resourceful and open minded, and green is logical and independent.  Right away I thought I belonged with gold, I just knew it.  When we did the test though I scored two points higher in blue.  Now granted we didn't include 2 questions so maybe the results would have been different.   I definitely do have a blue side, I can be emotional, sensitive and I really do value the little family of do have left.   Maybe that's what's changing my mind now where I have reached out to my mom, and am accepting her husband and his family.  I miss it.   Nothing has hurt me more than losing a family over the past few years.  
When no one scored gold the teacher had to give the view from golds side I really felt more in tune there.  The motto being 'be prepared'.   I have been carrying around an umbrella with me all week because there's been a chance everyday that it might rain (and it usually has at one point).   I am a very self taught organised person.  I have always had a layout of what I want every room to look like and I have a place for everything and I plan.   I do my grocery shopping for a week and sometimes two weeks at a time, and I pick out what meals I want to eat that week.   I don't want to be buying any groceries I already have.   I will never go to the store without a list, and have felt lost when I gave left it on the fridge at home.  If I have too many scribbles on the sheet I have to start again.  I am starting to budget what I will spend on food, clothing and fun for myself for a month, but I really don't like math, so it can be challenging.
My room can get messy at times, mostly with clothes, but I just don't have a closet or big enough dresser to put it all away in, otherwise it would be spotless.  I routinely clean every Sunday, even doing the vacuum, which I hate with a passion.  The only thing I let get dirty is the dishes.  I find it so boring and do it so much.  I really hate it.  I do them when they have to be done or when I get sick of looking at them.
Right now it's driving me crazy that my landlord hasn't been around for a month and the grass is really long.  Every time I walk through it I feel like I'm fighting through a jungle, afraid of what might pop out of there.  He still hasn't brought me the screens for our two front windows, so we can't open them in this hot almost July weather.
I am going to my mom's house for the long weekend and I have already started planning in my head what want to do, and making a checklist so I don't forget anything.   I started that last weekend.  Almost be prepared.

CB Concert #2

I've been going to these concerts in the park for the past few years.  At first it starred as a way to get away once a week from the here's that I lived with.  It was tricky coming home and not running into them, but I like my new neighbours enough that it's not something that I worry about.
Every two weeks there's a classical local civic band, and one a week starting in July there's a band that plays either rock, country, blues or even opera.  I tend to go to them all, aside from the real country and kids concerts.  I am usually the youngest person there besides when some people bring their kids of grandkids.  I hate it when they just run around and scream while we're trying to enjoy the music.  I wish they'd leave them with a sitter.
I bet there's a lot of the same people that go to these biweekly shows and yet I never seem to recognise anyone.  I always thought I was good st remembering faces.   Maybe I have to know them, or see something memorable about them.
There's enough seats for everyone, in the 3 years I have been attending I have never seen it packed and yet week after week people still bring their own chairs.  It really bugs me when they put the chairs in between the aisles, and not on the grass that is all around the benches.  Just one of my ways of telling the rude people.  Another way for me is the bus test.  That's when they sit on the aisle seat, not the window seat, or they stick a bag next to then.  That's fine if it's empty but when it starts to fill up then move you morons.  I shouldn't have to stand because your purse needs a bus sear.  Pay for two seats then.
This one older man in particular turned into the star of the evening.  There's not usually music played before the concerts but tonight there was.   He was right up near the stage dancing away.  I don't know how he liked to be up there that close to the speakers, it's pretty loud.  But if he's older then maybe his hearing is starting to go.
It was a more interesting night then most, we did a trivia test, I didn't win anything.  There was also a moment of teaching us how to rumba, no thanks I've embarrassed myself enough this week.

Conflicted

There's something I have been struggling with for a while now, I thought I would be able to tell it, but now I'm starting to wonder of its a good idea anymore.
Since it has been about 6 years since I stopped talking to my mom, and it's only been a few months now that I've been communicating with her again, I don't know if I can trust her or not.   In truth, my brother is guy.   I found out a year and a half ago.   No surprise to me, I've always known, since he was 5, and my mom took him flower shopping, or that he liked to sew and knot.  I don't know why it took so long for him to come out.  It's still being kept kind of quiet.   None of his co-workers know, although he suspects at least one person knows.  On one hand I think my mom should know something about his life if he's not going to talk to her again.  Then again we have been the only two that stick together through all the family troubles, and I could be sacrificing that.  I know he'd be angry if I told her.   Lately I might even say that there's a part of me that's going about this through spite because he doesn't spend any time with me and we barely speak.   I'm weighing my options, choose carefully.

Moving Day

I'm hoping my noisy upstairs neighbour is completely moved out before the weekend, so I will have some peace and quiet around here like it was last summer (before the new boyfriend with the suv started coming around).   My fingers are crossed that someone isn't planning on moving in.  I would love some extra months of peace and quiet.   I haven't seen anyone come around here looking at the place.  Except for that one red truck that was parked outside our house for an hour.  They left a note and when I saw them again they were talking to the friend of hers that does everything for her.  He does all of the work and gers none of the benefits.  I'm looking forward to no more tantrums all hours of the day and night, and the early wakeup calls with her crying before going to school.  I just hope whoever moves in doesn't stay up all night, or have a loud TV, or a pet that's always running around.  Otherwise it's back to the war I experienced 2 years ago.  I guess I will find put when I come home on July 2nd.

You're too Loud

What do I have to do to get my neighbour to stop blasting his music.  I've talked to him, the landlord, even blasted music right back and still nothing.  It's been a year now.  I don't particularly like him but I don't hate him either, it could be worse, which I have experienced before with the former tenants.  Never have I hated a group of people more than those freaks.
I'm not trying to be one of those people who acts old and is mad at the younger people for playing their music too loud.  I just want to come home to a peaceful and quiet environment.  Why can't he ever go to the friends house and blast the music?  Or go to a club where the music is louder than you can stand.  It's a shared 3 level house and the walls are paper thin.

Day 2 of Class

It was raining when I left this morning, all it seems to do lately is rain, and it's been very humid for the past few days.
Day 2 went by quickly and it was a short day today. In class we worked with personality types.  I found out I am a blue but gold is very close, I feel more gold than any other colour. Blues are rules by emotions and family and gold is structured and organised.

Gardening

After a horrible attempt at gardening last year I have really turned it around this year.  I bought my gardens in plants this year instead of the seeds planted from last year. I have peas, tomatoes, and green peppers all going strong. I am using green peppers and tomatoes in the upside down planters which seems to grow them stronger and healthier.  I can't plant in the ground from my apartment because it is mostly rocks and gravel, the only grass belongs to the top floor apartment. The rest of my plants are all in planters.   I have only been able to harvest peas so far, but my tomatoes are flowering and my green peppers are tiny but growing bigger every day.

First Class

Today I had my first class back at the resource centre.  It's a class that allows you to expand on your job searching and opens you up to the jobs or careers you might not have thought of looking at before.  You also create a portfolio to show to potential future employers. It's back to an 8:45am wake up call, and you stay until 2:30.  It's only for 5 days and it should go quickly. It would have been nice if I knew someone that I had met in my last class was there, but no such luck. It's a small class, only 9 people. There's no interview questions or mock interviews to prepare for this time so I can breathe easier.  There's also a gift certificate at the end, and I get more bus tickets.

The Week Before the Long Weekend

I really thought I would be scared about going to my mom's house for the first time, but as the time approaches now I'm getting more excited.   I have met her now husband before but it was so long ago that I don't remember what he looks like.  I just spoke to him on the phone the other day, he going to fix my bike for me so I can actually use it this summer.  I really want to take it down to the beach.  I will also be meeting a step brother for the first time.  He's one of the husbands three kids.  I really hope that's all, I don't want to be overwhelmed.   I am going to bring some food with me and either make up a stuffed pepper or the Potato french fry.  I've also decided to stay overnight.  I know the fireworks won't be as nice as the ones in my town, but hopefully the company will make up for it.
My brother who was the only family I had for a while but he has ditched me on every holiday since thanksgiving, so it will be nice not to spend one alone.

From Mild to Wild

I wasn't doing much today, replanting some vegetables in my garden, watching white chicks on TV and a beyond awful movie called Mr Hush, everything was quiet, I didn't know anyone else was home.  Then the screaming started seemingly out of nowhere. The guy from the basement was at his friend to get the hell out of his house.  The yelling lasted about 5 minutes, there were threats of calling the cops.  This is not the first time they have fought, and I don't think I've seen the last of him.  I give it about a week.  I'm not sure but I think they might be a couple.
My street is known for being loud and crazy, especially at night.   A few days ago I was woken up at about 3 in the morning by a couple fighting.   A guy kicked his girlfriend out, with each yelling back and forth that they were both sluts and selfish. The topper however was when he drunkingly yelled out 'I love pussy'. That made me go from being pissed off to laughing hysterically. It doesn't stop there either, just two weeks ago a guy caught (parked across the street from me) masturbating in his car. The excitement never stops.

Starting Over

So summer is finally here, and with a new season comes a change. I used to keep a journal, it helped in expressing my feelings about the pain of my parents divorce and the family that was crumbling all around me.

6 yearsago I stopped talking to my mom.   It hurt that she left with another man and I really felt that she chose him over my brother and me.  I lived with my dad for a few years after the divorce.  After some time thought I grew tired of the constant fights, mood swings and the fact he wasn't helping pay any rent or bills.  So my brother and I both moved to a new city.  We needed a break from him, which we never got.  He came down everyday and we felt even more suffocated.  At least in the old apartment we had an upstairs and rooms to stay in to have our own space and time.  In a small basement apartment there was no where to go.   Then out of the blue one day he picked a fight with my brother over something stupid and before he could realise what happened my dad was gone, out of our lives.  We never saw him again.  I know he has moved from his last address I knew of, he came here to drop off what he said was our stuff, but was mostly things he didn't want to bring with him to his new place.  I wish he had brought my bike, that I could use.